Lock Up the Carnist Loonies: by The Vegan Shock Jock

It was no surprise when the the NZ Media Council didn’t find in favour of my complaint about Ryan Bridge’s inflammatory opinion piece against Vegans, titled Kiwi Vegan Loonies are Treasonous. Bridge is intent on making a name for himself via the shock jock route. But why should he have all the fun? Here is my shock jock piece in response to his (the link to his piece is at the bottom), which I have written in the same style as Ryan Bridge’s piece, and used many of the same words he has used.

OPINION: How do you know that there’s a carnist in the room? They’ll tell you how much they love bacon, as soon as they hear the ‘V’ word.

It’s a tired old response, but they still think it’s a good one, even in the face of all the yawns. Carnists find it difficult to see anything through the red veil covering their eyes.

Carnists are like evangelical Bible Belt Christians from the United States. They want to ram their ideology down your throat, because they love Jesus – I mean bacon.

Some news stories claim that a third of Kiwis are on their way to becoming vegan or vegetarian, or at least consciously reducing their intake of meat and dairy. Kiwis are beginning to throw off the red veil for the green, it seems.

“That’s just wrong”, scream the carnists in pain at the thought of no more bacon. Carnists are very familiar with how the words ‘bacon’ and ‘pain’ go together. “Only three percent of Kiwis don’t eat meat. We simply refuse to believe it could be any more than that! Or that those not wanting to be involved in cruelty to animals, or in the destruction to our health and environment, are increasing in numbers. Our way of eating is NOT on the wane. No, no, no!”

We are blessed to be living in a beautiful land, which we are extremely lucky to be allowed to destroy with bad farming practices. “We raise world-class beef,” the carnists proudly claim, whilst simultaneously giving a delicate shudder at the thought of calling it by name – i.e. a cow. “Look at all the benefits of eating meat – increased risk of diabetes, inflammation, some cancers, erectile dysfunction, heart di …… wait, someone’s given me the wrong fact sheet. Idiot! Er, is there another fact sheet? Never mind, just give me the propaganda one.”

Oh dear, when it comes to hard evidence, could carnists be wrong? Might they not even be dangerous loonies in their pursuit of blood-food gratification, despite evidence of the bodily harm it causes? Their deliberate selfishness in this pursuit often leads to chronic illnesses and is a burden on our healthcare system, and therefore nothing short of economic treason. Yes, they’re economically treasonous.

The MaD (meat and dairy) industry’s pretence at promoting a “balanced diet” which includes meat is plain old propaganda, sucked up by carnists, and spread like a clever virus. The MaD industry has no desire for anyone to eat a balanced diet – they just want people to eat meat/dairy, meat/dairy, and more meat/dairy. That’s their business. That’s why they spend gazillions of dollars in advertising.

Carnists are also saboteurs. They sabotage the creation of better jobs for everyone. They would rather keep the miserable, soul-destroying, stinking, rotten jobs associated with the business of destroying animals, our environment, and our health, just for their blood-food. They stand in the way of creating cleaner and better jobs, that will be more beneficial for us and our world. They are saboteurs to our well-being.

It is traitorous to not want the best for one’s country. This country’s environment is going down the gurgler with its over-use of animal agriculture. Carnists are preventing our land from recovering from the destruction wrought upon it by pandering to their rampant desire for animal flesh. They are traitors to our land.

Next time a carnist says “mmmm…. bacon”, I say lock ‘em up for lies, treason, sabotage, and spreading dangerous propaganda.


Original opinion piece by Ryan Bridge –


My original complaint about Ryan Bridge’s opinion piece –



Header pic by Will Myers.


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